Family? Fam-ILY!
I’ve spent the vast amount of my time over the past four years hundreds of miles apart from my family. This is in no way a unique circumstance. It’s the same position most of my friends have found themselves in. And it’s an inter-generational rite of passage for thousands of other late teen/early 20-somethings around the world. You strike out on your own and forego all of the ties that have kept you together over the course of your life so far.
But the sharing of experiences doesn’t make their effects any less profound, and I write this introduction in a mood of consideration, as I’ve found myself reflecting much about what family means over the past few months. I’m now farther away from home than I’ve ever been, and maybe that’s why family has been on my mind so much. The geographical distance has made me recognize the emotional distance that sometimes crops up when your loved ones are no longer a car ride away.
This distance — both physical and emotional — is in no way a bad thing, however. Quite to the contrary, I think it’s a very good thing. For what would family be if not a net to land in when you suddenly find yourself all alone, astray in a wide world of mystery and fascination?
My sister calls me sometimes. Not super often, but often enough that we’re able to stay informed about each others’ lives and somewhat in tune with each others’ emotions. I sort of rely on these calls during certain moments for emotional support, and I think she does the same. This support is part of how our relationship takes a different shape when there’s this extended distance, when our only form of communication is over the phone. But this unique shape is quite good and strong, for all of its strange edges and bends.
It’s this way because my sister and I are, in many ways, the same. There’s no one either of us can relate to more about our struggles with anxiety, loneliness, and heartbreak. We share the same family, the same upbringing, the same pains of divorce and constant relocation. I see these experiences quite differently than she does, but the mere sharing of such experiences has shaped our approach to the world such that we are each others’ best friends and only true confidants.
Sure, I have conversations with my mom and my dad frequently as well. I talk with my dad most frequently, even, more often than with my mom or sister. But these chats are burdened by the constraints of parenthood, to a large extent, where the majority of the talk will revolve around catching up about life’s most recent experiences and how they’ve presented themselves. Do I have enough money for groceries? Am I learning a lot in classes? What kind of opportunities have you been up to in D.C.? All good and fair topics to discuss, surely, but not ones that necessarily elicit my emotional responses to the world.
And in these conversations with mom and dad, I’m more closed off. I’m more reluctant to divulge my most recent doubts and anxieties because I don’t want to worry either of them. It’s difficult enough navigating the web of adulthood — of having to provide not only for yourself but for your partner and kids — that my impertinent feelings about love and sadness and regret shouldn’t interrupt.
Yet with my sister, none of these ulterior concerns really matter. We’re really going through the same stuff — difficult classes, balancing work and life, navigating relationships. Our conversations can cut right to the heart of the matter without being diluted by talk of grades or finances. None of that really matters anyway. My sister and I understand that; that’s why we’re so close.
In another layer, only my sister and I can complain about our parents. There is literally no one else in the whole wide world that would understand my particular parental gripes better than my sister, and vice versa. I never speak poorly of my parents with others, or if I do it’s with great reluctance and always with a caveat. But with my sister? Our parents are open season for a slew of complaints, not always justified but usually quite cathartic.
When we complain or we muse about the world together, my sister and I, we know where each other is coming from. This shared comprehension of things is rooted in an understanding that at any moment, no matter the distance or the circumstances or the other complexities of life, we can always call and make time for one another. When it seems no one else is there for us, we are there for each other, in only the way that two individuals who have found themselves in the unique circumstance of sharing an entire life and genetic code can be.
This gets back to the core of the matter — family is a net that can catch you at your lowest and somehow spring you back up again. But beyond that, family is the closest connection you’re ever going to have with other human beings. And within the web of familial connections, from great-aunts to second cousins to long-lost uncles, no bond will ever be greater, no net stronger, than that of your sibling. I’m incredibly lucky to have such a great one.
Well, here you are Ellie. This one’s for you! While you were my motivation for writing (thank you for the idea, no matter how self-ingratiating it was), all of my sentiments remain undoubtedly true.
